Imaginary Light
by IrishEbony
Summary: Umm...it's kind of angsty, and a hint of HGSS, but only a hint. My first fanfiction, please be kind. R&R please


Imaginary Light  
By: Irish Beauty  
  
I linger in the doorway Of alarm clock screaming Monsters calling my name Let me stay  
  
They were trying to wake me again. I could hear someone talking to me...probably Dumbledore, or Ron, who said he loved me, but then went and shagged Cho, or Harry, who's so bloody perfect, with his perfect girlfriend Ginny. Can't they understand I don't want to wake up and continue with the pretense of life? They say they need me for my brains...they have the most brilliant minds at their disposal as long as they aren't working for Voldemort, oh sorry You-Know-Who, cause he's just soooo damn special. I mean if I'm not even good enough to be Ron's girlfriend then lord knows I've hit rock bottom.  
  
Where the wind whispers to me Where the raindrops As they're falling tell a story  
  
I'm happy in my "coma", I don't have to pretend to be happy and perfect, I can listen or ignore as I choose, not as anyone else chooses. In dreams I can do what I want, mostly I just sit outside and listen as the sounds from the room I'm in drift past my consciousness, almost like the wind is telling a story as I listen to their clichéd reasons on why I need to come back to them. It's quite sickening really, as I know it's all lies, because all I am and ever will be to them is the "insufferable Know-It-All".  
  
In my field of paper flowers And candy clouds of lullaby I live inside myself for hours And watch my purple sky fly over me  
  
When I don't feel like listening to them, I drift into a deeper stage of unconsciousness, into the world I have created in my mind. The clouds sing the lullaby in my mother's voice... that's right my parents are dead but for a few blissful hours at a time I can hear them, which is more than I could do when I was "living". Don't they realize it's better for me in my mind, without the pain of the real world...but no, that'd be expecting too much from them, they've always been selfish, even Dumbledore, sacrificing anyone and everyone to spare Harry. Well he didn't manage completely did he, because Harry is still going to have to face Voldemort, and his godfather still died, and he's still living with his awful relatives. So maybe Dumbledore isn't all that damn omniscient as he seems. Oh lord, what would they think if they knew my thoughts now, they've already turned from me so they couldn't do that...maybe I'd get kicked out of Hogwarts...no they'd probably think I'd gone insane and send me to St. Mungo's for the rest of my life...however short that may be.  
  
Don't say I'm out of touch With this rampant chaos- your reality I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge The nightmare I built my own world to escape  
  
I know exactly what's going on...sometimes Snape, surprise of all surprises, comes and reads the papers to me, as if he is going to shock or depress me into waking up. I think he's the only one who realizes I'm not truly gone, or perhaps he has gone through this himself...if I ever decide to leave my perfect world, I might ask him. It's been a while since I lost touch, at least two months...Harry and Ron are starting to give up, and notice other things. I wonder how abysmal their homework is, now that they can't cheat off me. They only come about once every two weeks or so, probably only because Mrs. Weasley reminds them to respect me. Snape is the only one who drops by with any regularity, almost every day in fact, while even Dumbledore only comes by every few days, if that.  
  
In my field of paper flowers And candy clouds of lullaby I live inside myself for hours And watch my purple sky fly over me  
  
My world is beautiful; I can lose the pain and just be me, Hermione. The girl everyone knows as the "Girl to Ask for Homework Help", but who no one ever gets to really know. I thought Harry and Ron were different, but of course not, because that would be too much to hope for in my life, I mean the people who understand me, the only two people in the world, my parents, die, and leave me alone to face this existence. The only one who actually seems to care about me is Snape, the man whom, though I respected his class and his authority, I never once said a kind word about except when he saved us in third year, and that was after I Stunned him. I wonder what would happen if I never woke up, would they eventually kill me...take the feeding tubes out and just let me wither away quietly. I think that would be for the best, but I doubt it will ever happen, because Dumbledore is just too bloody noble to do that to a student, once known as the smartest witch of her age. Not that it would cause much of an uproar, because after all I am only a Muggleborn, or a Mudblood, depending on which phrasing you prefer.  
  
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming The goddess of imaginary light  
  
I have lost my world, I cannot reach it anymore. I don't know what happened, but I tried to get there and it wouldn't work. I woke up screaming, and I now scream almost non-stop, except when Snape comes to visit, as he reads to me. I long for sleep or for death, whichever is easiest to achieve. Sometimes I pray in my head, while I'm screaming, they don't understand why I occasionally yell out to the goddess, or god, or whatever deity I am remembering at the time. One time I believe I yelled out to Buddha, I just want to curl up into a ball, but now I understand that if I fight maybe death will come to me, and it will be merciful...to go down fighting is a good way to go down I suppose, better than committing suicide, as I refuse to be pitied for the rest of the lives of anyone who knew me. I slowly open my eyes, and I cry as the harsh light hits them for the first time in two months...the first thing I see is Snape, and I croak, "Thank you for reading to me, it meant more than you know." He smiles and goes to get Madame Pomfrey, and I realize that I don't have to do this alone...he's willing to help as he's been helping every step of the way.  
  
Finish  
  
A/N: Wow that was a little more angry and depressing than I wanted and a lot more Snape/Hermione than I planned to put in there, considering I didn't plan to put any, that's saying quite a lot. This is a one shot story unless I get an overwhelming tide of approval and happiness and let's face it...that isn't going to happen. So thank you for reading the story. Flames will be used to light my candles.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything that you recognize...if I did I probably wouldn't be writing fan fiction, now would I? The song belongs to Evanescence... I was listening to it, and this just popped into my head, it's an awesome song, so go listen to it.  
  
Irish Beauty 


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